What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah,
I'm falling to pieces

This is so much easier than trying to explain the contents of my heart. For an english major, I just don't do words well. But I like lists, so, here we go:

To the one I can't let go of:

• I don't know how to be "just friends" with you
• I'm so sorry I ruined everything
• I can't talk to you about this now, because I'm a coward and you'd hate me, but just know it meant nothing
• I don't mean to be so robotic
• I miss you
• I'm wearing your sweatshirt right now; I couldn't leave it home again
• I cried every night for two weeks after we broke up, then I stopped thinking about it
• I try not to think about you in general... it hurts too much
• I get really confused when you tell me you love me and that you want me back... but you don't want to date because of our circumstances; it sucks balls
• Whenever I hear one of "our songs" or a song that reminds me of you, I take a second to cry and look at old pics of us... and then I change the song
• I can't sleep with Boshi anymore; it breaks my heart
• I'm a hot mess without you... I don't even know who I am anymore
• I don't believe in regret, but I think I made a big mistake
• I'm too proud to say I want you back
• I don't know if I want you back, or the idea/comfort of having you back
• I feel so numb
• I'm afraid I've lost you

To the one who has been there so much:

• Without you, I'd be so depressed right now
• You bring out a spark in me I thought I'd lost forever
• I'm afraid to have feelings for you because I don't want to hurt you
• I have so many secrets to share with you, I'm just afraid of what you'd think
• You make me laugh so much
• I look forward to seeing you every day
• Whenever I have a funny story, you're the first person I want to share it with
• I think you can be really self-centered, but I also know that you put others before yourself all the time, so I don't mind taking the slack--we all need some attention
• You study too much
• I'm so happy you're going to be a doctor-- I wish I could be as passionate about something as you are toward your profession
• You have such a big heart... I wish more guys were like you
• You deserve the world, not me coming in and fucking your life up

To the one who has never been there:

• Maybe everyone is right... you're just not worth my time
• You're kind of boring
• You're also kind of an asshole
• You're so attractive... that smile makes me melt
• It's hard for me to let you go, because I've invested so much time in our friendship
• I feel like it's an ego-kill to think that we've been friends for so long, and that you've never liked me; I have to know
• Sometimes I just feel plain desperate around you... I shouldn't be trying so hard
• I wish you had more balls; you're so obnoxiously shy sometimes
• I wish you gave a fuck about someone else... for once
• Despite being aware of all your negative qualities, I still enjoy flirting with you
• But, I think it's the chase that I love... I don't want the final product
• It's true, I wanted to tell you about what happened because I wanted you to be jealous
• You should be chasing me; I'm a great prize
• I feel like you take advantage of my kindness
• I can't decide what to do about this... should I just be blunt and talk to you about everything? I'll have to sleep on it

'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

Won't you change my mind?
I don't know better... than to run from love
in any measure.
Won't you change my heart?
I'm leaving today.
Oh, won't you make me stay?

STORY OF MY LIFE. That is all :)

...and with your love
I'll never be alone

How times have changed. I know you still love me... but then why do I feel so alone? We're drifting apart and I just feel so... indifferent toward everything. Well, at least I'm convincing myself of that. I just don't feel anything much these days-- but then I'll listen to a song, one of our songs, and I'll just start crying for a couple minutes, and then I'll move on again. I don't know what to think. I was playing racquetball today and every hit felt so good. I feel so sore and it's great! Why? Because I'm actually feeling something. Toward the end of our game, we'll take power shots to relieve stress and tensions. The only thing I ever think about, is "fuck being single, fuck my broken heart". Lately, everyone around me has been talking about dating. Finding that special someone, worrying about being single forever, wanting to be in a relationship... why does that seem to be everyone's priority? Is it a societal thing? A biological thing? It's all about love. That's what life is about though, isn't it? Finding someone to procreate. Take the procreate out of the life, and do we have another purpose? Don't get me wrong, I love love. I love being in love, I love having a boyfriend, I love everything about it. But why? Why do romantic comedies give me the chills? Why am I always checking out guys everywhere I go? Why why why why why? It just feels that there should be something else to accomplish in life.

Good question Rent, how DO you measure a life? By your professional accomplishments? By your relational accomplishments? By the amount of people you managed to sleep with? Or dated? Or kissed? If I were to die today, would I be happy? I think so. I really try to live by every moment, and enjoy it to its fullest. Unfortunately, it doesnt always work out.

Let's review my emotions today:

• Woke up early, wasn't running late :)
• Checked my email, got spam from an ex :/
• Looked out my window, looked like it was raining :(
• Walked outside, and it was a beautiful day with the scent of fall :)
• First class today, super boring :(
• Played racquetball, felt great :)
• Was told by a friend that he'd "rather die single than date me" (wtf? exaggeration, but rude) >:(
• Got an email from my professor saying we'd meet today but I didn't have any of my stuff with me :(
• Didnt have time to go to my second class, ended up ditching :)
• Was able to change, have lunch :)
• Found out the paper I was gonna give to my professor was a B instead of an A :(
• Printer jammed :(
• Looked up music from West Side Story, didnt find any voices I liked :(
• Got shit done, felt productive :)
• Found out one of my fav artists had cancer :(
• Walked outside to meet with my professor, started raining :(
• Exchanged football voucher for ticket... guy was cute :)
• Met with my professor, it went really well :)
• Walked home wanting to hang with my roommate :)
• Said roommate was pissed at me :(
• Listened to said roommates talk about being pissed at me :(
• Studied for the GRE :(
• Talked to my dad :)
• Made dinner :/
• Made up with roommate :)
• Ate dinner and watched Modern Family :)
• Hung out with all but one of my roommates :))))))
• Chatted with one of my best friends... but she was in a very odd mood :/
• Edited a paper :/
• Listened to good music :)
• Listened to a song that reminded me of the ex :(
• Decided to blog :)
• Questioned the purpose of life :/
• Thought about my broken heart :(
• Wondered why love was so important :/
• Wrote a pointless list of my emotions for the day :)

... I don't know what the purpose of that was, but it was fun. There. My day has been measured, and is sure as hell bipolar. I think the conclusion would be that love will always be a priority for everyone, because hey, who doesnt wanna fall in love? It's the best! :)

I wish I knew the point to today's rant, but hey, I enjoyed it so that's all that matters. :)

<3./Manda

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

Oh geez, I dont know where to begin or what to do or what to say. One of my best (male) friends and I had a conversation today about dating. So here are the facts:

• He claimed that it's impossible for two members of the opposite sex to be best friends without one liking the other (I say this too!)
• He thinks I have a mad crush on Jake (half true? I would never date him) and am in complete denial (half denial?)

Thus, he likes me because he claims I can't be the one crushing because I'm crushing on someone else? Was this a blatant "hey, I like you" conversation? Ahhhh. I don't know what to think. I mean, in examining our relationship, he's fantastic. We do everything together and I never laugh as much as I do when we're together. We have class together, then go work out (or play racquetball), then have lunch, then go to separate classes 5 days a week. And that doesn't even include how much we text/chat in a day when we're not hanging out, or when we get together on the weekends. He's great.

But... (ahhh there's a but!) I just don't feel sexually attracted to him. I mean, give or take he's one of the best dressers I've ever met, and I love his style. And there are moments when I'm like "hot damn!", but never in a "omg, I want you and I want you now" kind of way. I just don't know what to think. I definitely don't want our relationship to change because I love the kid to death, and I don't want to date him because, again, I love him to death and would never want to break his heart. I feel like this is a lose/lose. My biggest internal debate is whether or not I should talk to him about this. I mean, maybe I'm interpreting his message wrong. Maybe we was fishing to see if I liked him? Or maybe we're not good enough friends yet for one to have to like the other? Blah. I don't know. I mean, again, maybe I just drop it and play things by ear. I've just been thinking about this all day. See? Even the fact that I've been thinking about this could maybe be a hint that I'm crushing on him? Though, the fact that I have to ask myself that is in itself questionable. Although, when we first met I had a boyfriend, so I wasn't looking at him in that way, ever. And he has a past history with one of my roommates, and she already has issues with how close we are and how distant they are and things are complicated. I do have a habit of not thinking about things and pushing them to the back of my mind... could this be one of them? But do I even wanna date? I mean, EVERY INCH OF ME IS BRUISED. Figuratively, of course, although I do have a bruise on my leg that looks like a heart... beside the point though. ANYWAY. I'm broken. I've just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with a boy I'm STILL IN LOVE WITH. I feel like I should just stay clear of everyone. Arrg, but then he always sings that stupid Robyn song, "the only way her heart can mend is when she learns to love again"... but I don't want to love again. I just want... um, well, gah. I don't know what I want. I just want everyone to drop all the labels. I want people to be blunt and honest about things so I can stop escaping to my head for answers. I kind of wish I didn't know/think I know anything about this...

I know what it's like to be the one who's crushing on someone who has no idea. It's hard enough when you're crushing on someone who doesn't know you exist, but it's just torturous to have to hang out with someone and all you can think is "I WANT YOU". I mean, the way our relationship is now, we're basically dating but without the physical stuff (and that's the fun stuff, no?) Again, I've broken too many hearts, I've had my heart broken so many times, I just don't know what to do with this information.

Today during our racquetball session, I was a hot mess. I slammed the ball into a wall which just bounced back and hit me in the head (yeah, I know I'm awesome), I banged into him, banged into the walls quite a bit of times, hit myself with the racquet... and all the time, it felt great. It felt so great to actually feel something, even if it was my throbbing body. I've just been so numb lately that I'll take anything. I'm such a mess, and I just don't want to bring someone I care about down with me. I feel like this always happens-- me sacrificing a little bit of happiness for their overall happiness. Maybe it's even a little selfish. I mean, if we were to date, when we break up I don't want him to hate me. I want to keep our relationship alive and fun and fresh for as long as I can. I want to be able to send him christmas cards, and call every once in awhile to catch up. I don't want to add him to my list of guys who just hate me (arrrg there's so many already!) I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. I just hate not knowing. GAH.

In any case... that was a great rant. Though I don't feel like I came to any amazing conclusions. Do I ever? Eh, sometimes, but today was not one of those days. That's okay. I have good music, a comfy bed, and a cabinet full of food with my name on it :)

<3./Manda

I know we said
That we'd give up
You said we'd had enough
Again and again and again.

And at the end of the day, I always find myself coming back. I don't really know where to go from here. This past weekend was one of the best I have had in a really long time, and I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Yet, I almost feel guilty for enjoying life without Eric. I got home last night (or this morning) around 3, and I was getting ready for bed when I realized I had forgotten to text him back. So, I did. And I asked if he wanted to phone cause I didn't want to be texting all night, but did I really want to phone? No, I wanted to go to bed. But he had wanted to phone earlier, if I was available. I know this sounds really strange, and not like a big deal at all, but my phone has been my life for the past 5 years--he's been my life. And this break-up has been such a challenge, because for the first week or two I felt that the only thing that changed was he didn't have to be burdened with having to talk every night while I wanted nothing more than to hang out with him. That pissed me off so much, like I was expected to just wait around until he was ready to hang out. On the surface, that's exactly what it sounds like. But it wasn't really like that, time zones just really fuck things up. Distance, actually, fucks everything up.

Is this what life is like after love? Floating in a realm of contradictions and confusions and blarrrrrg.

In any case, I don't really know what the point to that was, or if that was going somewhere. All I know now is that for the first time in a long time, I was really happy with my past decisions. I had a great time last night, and I look forward to what the rest of the year has in store for me social-wise :)

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock

On the flip side, from an academic standpoint, I feel so lost. As a senior, you'd think I would have my life figured out. However, it couldn't be more opposite. One of my close friends spent all last year applying to med schools, and all this year prepping for his interviews. In talking to him about his ambitions, it made me realize how unpassionate (really? that's not a word? whatevs) I have been in my pursuits. I'm planning to apply to grad school to be a family/marriage therapist, but is that what I really want to do? Can I spend the rest of my life counseling others when I feel like I need to do so much for myself? I've spent my entire life watching a failing marriage and being immersed in an anxious family dynamic. College was my great escape. Yet, I find myself being drawn to the very thing I've been trying to run away from my entire life. Relationships are the most important things in life, and the people you are forced to associate with/choose to associate with should be a number one priority. Everyone deserves the chance to have the knowledge to make these relationships work, or be able to admit when they just can't work. Would I even make a good therapist? With my unconventional views, how can I be expected to react when a client asks my personal opinion about something important to them that I find meaningless and stupid? Heck, look at my own life via xanga-- I'm such a spaz! Is this my calling? I was really excited about it last year, but compared to how excited all my friends are about their lives... I'm just not quite there...

Maybe it's because I'm taking awful classes this semester, and I'm just not excited about school. I was never the ideal student, but I get As and Bs and I engage in things I find interesting. I can't force myself to do readings and homework when I just don't give a shit about the material. Ahhhh I feel so lost! Maybe I'm just done with school. But I love school, and I love learning. Just not what I'm currently studying haha. Well, I shouldn't say that. I really do love one of my classes on adolescents, and it's giving me new perspectives on that culture. I originally decided to take the class because I figured it would be perfect for what I want to do with my life, but, meh. I dont know. I also have a senior thesis that I was originally excited about, but now I'm just annoyed with it. I feel so lost in my research and I don't like my thesis and blarg. I dont know. I just need to take a day and devote myself to figuring all of that stuff out.

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

Geez, the music I listen to really dictates where my blog drifts. I had to skip a bunch of songs, because all they do is remind me of Eric and what I'm leaving behind (well, not really, but just moving forward from... for now). ANYWAYS.

One day this blog won't be so blarg. It'll go back to my teenage self with lots of OMG OMG OMG and LIKE LIKE LIKE with some hints of AHHHHHH YAY HAPPY CRUSH WOO etc. haha. Or hopefully not, that would be a little embarrassing. Give or take, I've always had a childish spirit, but as a 21 year old I'd like to think that I have a little more class. Keyword: think. lol

Hmmmm what do I want to rant about? For the first time, I don't really know. I mean, usually I'll be in a blogging mood because I'll have something I really want to talk about. Right now? I'm just enjoying laying in my bed listening to a selection of carefully picked songs for such occasions as this. I mean, I guess there has been something on my mind, that I maybe don't want to admit to myself just yet. So I'll keep this secret. Everyone needs at least one, right? I can honestly say I don't think I've ever had a secret I kept close to my heart. I mean, I have a ton from everyone (especially those at college), but I've always shared everything with Eric (and Kitt when I see her). I mean, he knows my most racist, ignorant and just blonde-momented thoughts. Which is good, because as I've mentioned in the past, keeping secrets is really unhealthy! No one should do it. But this is a good secret, and it's not going to be something tormenting at my soul for all eternity. It's just a fun one ;)

Through darkness and pain and strive
I'll sing
Be
Live

Okay, so I was just going to end on this beautiful song lyric. However, I need to explain the significance to this song. It's called "Earth Song" by Frank Ticheli, and was composed after the death of his wife and child. I sang it in concert choir my senior year in high school, and at the time, this story moved us all so much. Every time I sang this song, it would bring me to tears. The combination of the lyrics and the music (when done right) is breath-taking.

Anyways, if I remember correctly, Ticheli was with his family in some kind of water-front setting (I want to say it had to be an ocean...). His child started to drown, and in an attempt to save him/her, his wife drowned as well. Just thinking about watching the people you love die and feeling completely helpless in it all? I can't even imagine how painful that experience was. This song was a way for him to bring out that emotion, in an attempt to recover from his loss. And if you listen to the song, you can just feel the heart break, followed by optimism. It's a beautiful song, and I definitely recommend it to anyone who has any taste in powerful music.

While on a tragic note, I completely forgot (until this moment) that it's 9/11. I know in the past, I've blogged about what I was doing on that day, and the vague understanding I had about what was going on at the time. This year I just want to dedicate my thoughts to the families and individuals who were directly affected by the tragedy. Police officers, firefighters, victims... everyone. I can't believe it's already been 10 years since the attack on America. Last week in a persuasion class, we were discussing the difference between persuasion and coercion. The tragedy of 9/11 was mentioned, and my professor made a comment that really caught my attention (for once haha). He said that he felt sorry for us [students] because we never really knew what it was like to have the "American mindset" of invincibility. Even now, I don't really know what to think of that. My initial reaction was "wow, you're right". I mean, I was what? 11? when the attack happened. I didn't understand politics, government tactics, nor did I really understand what a terrorist was and why someone would want to attack innocent people. I grew up knowing that America wasn't perfect, and that a lot of countries weren't our number one fans. And you know what? I disagree with my professor. I'm not sorry that I never thought America was invincible. That mindset is what made everything that happened slip through our radar, right? We were a cocky nation. I mean, we're still a pretty egotistical nation, but not in the same way. Now we're more aware of what's happening in other countries, and that's really important. After traveling abroad, I really came to appreciate America in a lot of ways. I love this country. Of course, I'm also aware of concepts that we're kind of lacking in, but no one's perfect. And at the end of the day, you're always going to love and cheer for your favorite team, right? Whether the white sox win the world series or come out in last place, I love them to death and I will fight for them. America's the same way. We're youngesters, and we have a lot of things to work out, but I will defend her until the end of time. I love her. :)

<3./Manda